I don’t mean directly to the victim; that’s a civil suit. Besides, creating an equal compensation for any non-monetary crime is all but impossible, to say nothing of the criminal’s likely financial insolvency (not that I’m speaking from experience). I mean a utilitarian benefit to society-at-large, some general good to balance out their evil. So, rather than an eye for an eye, doing Lasik for eyes that have been poked (not necessarily by the convicted poker).

Which is to say, put them to work fighting their own crime - rapists have to make fundraising calls about rape awareness, murderers have to do busywork for murder investigations, thieves have to mend broken windows, criminal trespassers have to straighten the fences through which they skulked. Unconstitutional? It does not sound cruel, though I admit it is currently, regrettably unusual. Just an idea, or at least a way to make a commonly used phrase actual true, to say nothing of making use of a large, unutilized workforce.

Then again, as an unemployed man, I probably shouldn’t be looking to increase competition, especially with workers who won’t have to be paid, since they’re the ones doing the paying.

UPDATE: That’s what I’m talking about!

Basically, some come across poorly because they aren’t as assertive or smooth (Fred Thompson, Bill Richardson), others seem like name calling bullies (Edwards, Huckabee), and a few appear self-righteous. OK, all do.

Anyway, this really isn’t the best way to inform voters. After all, the real decisions are made with many consultants over much time (or, in the case of Congress, much much much much time), not in an extemporaneous crossfire. So I think we should take it to another arena — literally:

We give each candidate a group of 5th graders and a year. They are responsible for educating, feeding, raising, and training the pre-teens. The broadcast starts in March. Academic tests, athletic competitions, emotional stability, and social competence will all inform America who can truly lead our nation. Because if you can’t handle 11-year-olds, you can’t handle a stumbling economy, a swampy war, or slutty interns.

There are no rules because we all know that the president can break them whenever he wants. We want this to be realistic. The candidates may use their resources, advisors, and whatever other political filth they wish to get the job done. Because the whole field is littered with filthy lucre, I can’t imagine any of them will be at any significant disadvantage. If so, then we’ll just implement a spending cap.

Many parents would want their children in this competition, as they will get an incomparable (if temporary) upbringing. By the time Billy returns to public school, he’ll practically be a man, and we’ll have a good president.

Back to reality. The one good question, shockingly, came from our current president: what are your principles? Every candidate said something vague about liberty or America’s strength and also about sticking to these principles always. Funny how that contradicts this attitude. And I think we’ve seen how well it works to have a president who never changes his mind.

Lastly, I’m glad Ron Paul was there. That was fun. The only thing that would have been more fun would have been some knuckledusting when the Democrats joined the Republicans on the stage, just like in Congress’s good ol’ days.

As Joe Sixpack sees it, democracy means that I vote for the people who will do what I want. This sounds good to Joe Sixpack, but not to me, because I disdain his middle class desires and his bland beverage choices. So what happens is that some mixture of middling candidates wins. And then they try to appease their constituencies so they can say, “We served your interests; vote for us again.”

I happen to think the general public is an idiot. Yes, singular: one collective idiot. And I don’t want an idiot dictating what the government does. We probably won’t ditch the democratic process soon, so I’ll shelve my pipe dreams, but here’s what I think elected legislators should try to be.

1) Facilitators. They should facilitate discussion on how to run the country.

2) Acknowledged amateurs. They should admit that, in most of the specific ways, they don’t know how to run the country.

3) Networked. They should be able to contact/stalk the experts for each specific way so as to get the best people talking about how to run the country.

4) Facilitators. They should facilitate discussion among these experts on how to run the country.

5) Deciders. They should discern the best course of action among the solutions drummed up by the panel of experts.

And then it happens. The key to all this is facilitation. If you just toss a bunch of experts in a room, it will be more chaotic than an unmonitored elementary lunchroom. They will argue, bicker, insult, snipe, and generally behave like Congress. That’s not an improvement. But with a skilled facilitator, the selectively collected brains can fashion well-informed, practical solutions to America’s myriad problems.

Some ignored the feline friends, but others (read: girls) showered them with cuddles. Which begs, “Why don’t more establishments have house pets?” (Aquariums don’t count.) Yes, yes, liability, so free roaming animals are nixed. Drunken abuse would ensue at many nightclubs/bars, so access would be limited.

I have a dream. How about the official Bengals bar, complete with a tiger. Not a cub, a tiger - 500 pounds of ferocious claws, man-withering eyes, and mandibles of death. Just on Sundays (or Monday nights, as necessary). Rent it from the zoo with a suitably strong cage, find a prominent place more than arm’s length away from everyone, and hear that Bengal growlin, mean and angry. Throw it some steak at critical moments to augment the intensity.

Added bonus: no Steelers fans would dare step foot in that place. Feeding the enemy to feral cats is illegal and Roman? This is the NFL; it’s above the law.

Oh, sorry, I forgot that we’ve entered the Goodell era. Whatever — this is Cincinnati; we’re expected to cross the law (the real underlying cause of the sledding incident).